trust me, i'm an alchemist - chapter 3

[metisket]

Chapter 3, in which skating season begins, and Ed is, for unknown reasons, permitted to interact with the press.

In related news, Yakov's life continues to be suffering.


Viktor isn’t sure what possessed him to call Yurio. His Yuuri’s been avoiding him and he doesn’t know what to do about it, yes, true. It’s also true that he doesn’t yet feel in a position to ask Yuuri’s friends or family for help on this subject, and that Yakov is still very angry and needs time to cool down, and so can’t be asked, either.

But did Viktor really, honestly believe that Yuri Plisetsky would be helpful?

“Man, you are some kind of moron,” Yurio informs him. Viktor more or less agrees.

Still. “But why is he hiding from me, Yurio?”

Yurio sighs angrily into the phone. “I don’t know why that weirdo does anything. Probably because he hates himself and has decided you hate him too. That seems to be why he does most things.”

Well. That was…shockingly helpful and likely not entirely wrong. Viktor decides to reward this answer by violently changing the subject away from emotions, since Yurio prefers to pretend emotions don’t exist. “Hm. How’s your free skate coming along?”

“What is wrong with you?” Yurio demands. “Never mind, I don’t even want to know. My free skate? Fine. Lilia picked the music yesterday.” He sounds conflicted.

“Oh?” Viktor smiles. “And do you like it?”

“I dunno.” Awkward, adorable pause. “I’m gonna send it to you, okay? And you tell me what you think. Because what I think is, this is music that basically says, ‘Your recklessness is going to get you killed one day, but damn, the crash and burn will be glorious to watch.’ And I feel like I don’t know her well enough for her to know that about me. It’s creepy.”

Viktor manfully resists the urge to laugh out loud, because that will make Yurio hang up on him. “Maybe Yakov’s been telling tales out of school.”

“And why didn’t I know Yakov used to be married, by the way?” Yurio demands irritably. “Why can’t any of you communicate?”

“What does Alyosha think of the music?” Viktor continues blithely, ignoring Yurio’s last complaint while also confirming it, because Yurio’s howls of rage are a thing of delight.

Obligingly, Yurio howls in rage. But he answers anyway, bless his angry heart. “Al says the music suits me. Of course he says that, because fucking with me is his favorite thing in the world.”

“Your brother terrifies me.”

“That’s because you have some common sense, much as that’s an endless surprise to me. Oh, and today Lilia told me I have the build of a bar brawler and the grace to match it. That’s just unnecessary.”

“You’re actually very graceful, Yurio, in your way. Have Lilia watch one of your horrifying fights with your brother. She’ll understand then.”

“Our spars, you mean? Our totally safe, very chill spars, which are not horrifying in any way?”

“I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing.”

“Whatever, loser. I’ll try it and see if it impresses her. If it does, it’ll be the very first thing that has. She’s so scary, Viktor. She seriously reminds me of—anyway. I’m just saying, every costume she’s okayed has a fire theme. All of them. She thinks I’m going down in flames, and she’s not even trying to be nice about it!”

Viktor knows it’s wrong to laugh. He still can’t restrain himself from laughing uncontrollably until Yurio growls and, as expected, hangs up on him.

Yurio is a gift. He’s an irascible, impatient, abrasive gift, but a gift, all the same. Viktor doesn’t think he’d have survived in this sport long enough to meet Yuuri if it hadn’t been for Yurio.

The thing is that Yurio doesn’t seem to notice fame, not in any real way. He uses his own, certainly, but seems to view it as a kind of amusing mass delusion that happens to benefit him. Yurio’s only ever seen Viktor as Viktor, and whether he’s impressed with what he sees or not is entirely dependent on Viktor himself.

And yes, the way he cackles at the Living Legend title is a bit hurtful, but. It’s far less stressful than being treated like a tin god. After all, it’s impossible to disappoint someone who sees you as a talented skater, sure, but also a massive social disaster. And who is not shy about pointing these things out, whether to you, your coach, or the world at large.

Yurio is the most angrily reassuring person Viktor knows.

* * *

Lilia isn’t entirely sure what to make of Yuri Plisetsky. Professionally, he’s nearly ideal—driven, strong, flexible, receptive to criticism—even borderline meek in the face of criticism at times, which is wildly contrary to everything Yakov has told her about him. He’s tough, stubborn, and inclined to deranged grins and insane suggestions. He is, in short, everything Lilia would expect from one of Yakov’s hand-picked students.

It’s the way he reacts to her that is…unusual. He’s not afraid of her. Lilia is not accustomed to people not being afraid of her. And the lack of fear doesn’t stem from a lack of respect, or even a lack of observational skills. If she had to guess—she most certainly isn’t going to ask—she would guess that he’s previously been trained by someone like her, but more frightening.

This makes her feel oddly competitive toward a person she’s never met, and who may not even exist. After all, it might have been his childhood life of crime that inured him to fear. But somehow it feels more personal than that.

Experimentally, she makes her training style just a little more harsh and arbitrary. Yuri Plisetsky does not seem concerned or even surprised by this; he simply accepts it.

He is not afraid of her.

She considers his lack of fear. She considers his rare but alarming nightmares, but also the true joy in his eyes when he fights with his brother. She considers the way he skates Agape, and his frighteningly focused expression when he studies his university-level science books—which he does, diligently, every day.

She turns over all of these things in her mind, and the choreography for his free skate comes to her piece by piece, and stitches itself together into a satisfying whole.

* * *

Here’s the thing:

Ed loves the free skate Lilia made for him.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but it’s true. Even though Otabek told him years ago that he ought to skate like he’s fighting, he’s never gotten the chance to try. That’s what this is, though: it’s a routine that’s a fight.

It goes pretty well with agape, too, like…in his life story. Ed’s pretty sure Lilia did that on purpose—she understands him way too well in general, even if he doesn’t get how. So yeah, the programs make sense together. His short program is all about love—and his free skate is about what he’d do to anybody who fucked with his loved ones.

They’re his favorite routines ever, individually and together, but he’s too embarrassed to tell anybody. Except maybe Katsudon. God knows Katsudon can’t judge him.

“Katsudon,” he says in response to Katsudon’s confused voice on the phone. “My free skate is awesome.”

“That’s…good?” Katsudon replies, clearly befuddled. “It’s five in the morning here?”

“No, you don’t get it,” Ed tells him with what even he recognizes as unnecessary aggression, pointedly ignoring the comment about the time. “It’s the best damn free skate of my life. It suits me down to the ground. It’s perfect.”

“Um. I love my free skate also?”

“Yeah, but you and Viktor made your free skate together, so that makes sense! You should love it! Mine was made by some lady who’s known me for like a month. What the fuck, Katsudon?”

“…Lilia Baranovskaya is a famous choreographer, Yurio,” Katsudon points out. “Famous all over the world, for exactly this. People spend a fortune to hire her. I don’t…really understand why you’re surprised that she’s good at the job she’s famous for.”

Well, when he puts it like that, it sounds stupid.

“Okay. Sorry. Go back to sleep.” He hangs up, feeling better.

And now he needs to do something nice for Katsudon, because he didn’t mean to wake him up at five. Fuck.

* * *

The next few months are an endless stream of pre-season practice craziness. It’s worth it, though: Ed’s finally starting to not suck at his awesome programs. Even if he’s getting a distinct vibe from Lilia that she’s going to make him graceful if she has to break every bone in his body to do it. (She is just like Teacher. How has Ed managed to find two of them?!)

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about how Katsudon’s doing, though. People are keeping him updated, sure, but it’s not the same as seeing it. So he’s pretty excited when it finally comes time for Katsudon’s first competition.

That said, Ed doesn’t have the time or patience to figure out how to stream a local Japanese competition in Russia, so he just has Yuuko text him the play-by-play with pictures. He can find a place to watch the whole thing later, probably. If he can’t, Mila will take pity and find it for him. For some reason, she thinks his relationship with Katsudon is hilarious and needs encouragement.

Seems like Katsudon’s competition is going great right up until the part where he does a header into the boards. Head injuries are no fucking joke. Even one concussion drastically increases your chance of dementia. Does Katsudon know that? Does Viktor know that?

Apparently not, because the next thing Yuuko sends him is a picture of Katsudon leaping into Viktor’s arms, both of them beaming like there isn’t blood all over Katsudon’s face.

Morons.

Ed responds by texting Yuuko ten different links to articles about head trauma. Katsudon’s lucky he’s not fucking dead.

* * *

Viktor wakes up to discover that he has what amounts to a novel in text form from Yurio, which alarms him. Yurio doesn’t generally initiate conversation with Viktor, which means he thinks this is important. Viktor isn’t sure he wants to know what Yuri Plisetsky considers important enough to text a novel about. But he takes a deep breath and reads the texts anyway, because Yurio being annoyed with him is an even more alarming prospect.

<Yurio>

<3:05am>
I didn’t want to involve myself in this
because it’s your stupid problem
but
did you watch katsudon’s interview?

<3:08am>
good news: if you were waiting for him to make a move, he did
bad news: it was by announcing his love for you on tv in a language you don’t understand

<3:09am>
why did you have to fall for such a weird guy?

<3:15am>
I’m only telling you this because the katsukis totally didn’t because they’re too busy laughing at you right now. and also they’re probably pissed at katsudon
because he was all oh viktor who I met a few months ago is the first person I ever wanted to hold on to I guess that’s love
my family? it’s complicated.
IT’S COMPLICATED
Mari is going to straight-up murder his ass

<3:17am>
I mean he said you were complicated too but
that’s different. you ARE complicated, you hot mess.

<3:18am>
anyway, good luck getting him to talk about any of that in a language you CAN understand, because he’s gonna fight that every step of the way
he probably only said it in the first place because of the head injury
hahahahahaha your life is a trash fire

<3:38am>
learn your future husband’s language, asshole

Viktor closes his eyes and firmly presses the edge of his phone to his forehead, struggling to process any of that. It’s such a mixed blessing to have Yurio on your side.

It is also very difficult to believe Yuuri said those things with such a confident look on his face. Then again, it’s impossible to believe Yurio would make any of it up. Yurio can’t be bothered to make things up. Alyosha is the one who lies to people for their own good.

God, Viktor really does need to learn his future husband’s language. He doesn’t think any relationship could withstand having Yurio as a translator.

* * *

<Ed>
so I watched skate america
you did awesome
could be better
still awesome though

<Otabek>
Thank you.

<Ed>
and I can’t fucking believe you let leo beat you

<Otabek>
I’m going to tell him you said that.

<Ed>
say what you have to say, loser
but you’re better than leo
your programs are better than leo’s
you’re stronger than leo
you’re cooler than leo
get your shit together

<Otabek>
…
As always, I appreciate your support, Ed.

<Ed>
you’re welcome
did you see leo drooling over guang hong the whole time, though?
because that shit was hilarious

<Otabek>
I don’t even know where to start.

<Ed>
so what’s phichit like?

<Otabek>
Actual human sunshine.

<Ed>
huh
I guess that makes sense

<Otabek>
Does it?

<Ed>
it’s like he and katsudon cancel each other out or something
sunshine and gloom

<Otabek>
The way you’ve described Katsuki,
he seems more thunderstorm than gloom.

<Ed>
…good point
how did detroit survive?

<Otabek>
This is going to be a hell of a season.
On an unrelated note:
Ed.
Why is my mother complaining that you call her more often than I do?

<Ed>
because you don’t call her enough, obviously

<Otabek>
She says you’re a better son than I am.

<Ed>
yeah, and I’m not even her son
so think about what you’ve done

<Otabek>
How often do you call my mother, exactly?

<Ed>
idk like once a week

<Otabek>
Why do you call my mother once a week, Ed?

<Ed>
I think the important question here is
why DON’T you call your mother once a week?

<Otabek>
Stop making me look bad.

<Ed>
uh huh
or, hey, how about this:
CALL YOUR MOTHER

<Otabek>
Dear God.
You are the better son.

<Ed>
yeah, so shape the fuck up.

* * *

<Otabek>
My mother has taken to complaining that I need to call her more often.

<Leo>
As mothers do.

<Otabek>
That I need to call her more often
THE WAY ED DOES.

<Leo>
…
…
Ed calls your mom?

<Otabek>
He calls her once a week.

<Leo>
…why?

<Otabek>
Only God and Edward know that.
I asked him why,
and he said the real question was
why DIDN’T I call my mother once a week.

<Leo>
Dude.
Your life is very weird.

<Otabek>
He said CALL YOUR MOTHER.
Like that.
In all caps.

<Leo>
…I have good news for you?

<Otabek>
?

<Leo>
You don’t have to wonder what it’s going to be like to be married to Ed.
I mean
you basically already are.

Otabek?

Otabek?

Aw, come on, don’t ghost me like that.

Seriously, it’s been 6 hours.

OTABEEEEEEEK.

U mad?

Man, maybe I see your mom’s point.
I’m texting Ed and complaining about you right now.

* * *

Katsudon gets to skate, and then Otabek gets to skate, and then finally, finally it’s Ed’s turn. And he’s happy about that, he is. He wants to show off his stuff, he wants to see the kinds of scores he’s starting with.

But it had to be Skate Canada.

Canada. With JJ. And not just JJ, but JJ and a stupid number of the guy’s ridiculous Canadian fans. Ed feels like he’s being punished for something.

The worst thing about JJ is that he’s a huge disappointment, because Otabek always made it sound like he was the funniest guy in skating. And then Ed finally met him, and sure, he’s funny. If you have the most twisted sense of humor since Anton Chekhov.

“Please don’t terrify JJ Leroy,” Al instructs firmly. “Not more than you’ve already terrified him, anyway.”

“I barely touched him last time!”

“You hit him so hard you flipped him right over the boards, brother. If he hadn’t convinced everyone it was an accident, you would’ve been banned!”

…Okay, this is true. But the creepy thing is, JJ actually seems to believe it was an accident, which makes Ed worry that the guy might have legit brain damage. Like, maybe too many hits against the ice or something. And if that’s the case, Ed didn’t do him any favors by flipping him over the boards right onto his already injured head. Ed secretly feels bad about it. He didn’t expect the guy to just stand there like an idiot and let himself be flipped, is the thing.

Otabek swears most people don’t have any martial arts training at all, and that’s why that happened. Which Ed finds really fucking hard to believe, but okay.

Then again, maybe it’s not so much that JJ believes it was an accident as that JJ’s in denial about the whole thing, because now the guy’s behavior around Ed is basically like a small, yappy dog that’s mad as hell but also terrified of getting kicked. He does the human equivalent of snapping at Ed’s ankles and running away every time they see each other.

It’d be best for everyone if Ed could just ignore the poor, possibly brain-damaged bastard, but damn, the guy makes it hard.

There is one nice thing about Canada, though, and it’s that the vice-president of his fanclub lives there. She creepy-stalks his flight and meets him at the airport, as she always does if they’re on the same continent. He’s been pretty successful so far at not wondering how she manages it.

He’s never met the president of his fanclub. Sometimes he worries that it’s Sergei. He hopes to God it’s not someone worse than Sergei.

“Elena, good to see you,” Ed says with a nod.

“Edward,” Elena responds, holding a clipboard and pen and looking bloodthirsty. “Tell me everything.”

His fans call him Ed or Edward because one time an interviewer asked what he liked to be called by his friends—as if he’d let this strange asshole interviewer use a diminutive on him, for fuck’s sake—and Ed had responded with the truth, just to be a dick. Anyway, that interview ended in complete confusion, but from then on, all his fans have called him Ed. Or Edward, which is an assumption on their part, but since it’s an accurate one, he’s letting it stand.

They still call themselves Yuri’s Angels, though. He’s pretty sure it’s a reference to Charlie’s Angels, so that’s. Alarmingly appropriate.

“You want to know everything about…Japan?” Ed asks, waving an unhappy Yakov away. Ed’s relationship with his fans makes Yakov uneasy for some reason.

“Everything about Viktor’s relationship with Yuuri Katsuki, at least,” she declares.

“You know I can’t do that, Elena. I try not to give Viktor actual reasons to hate me. Anyway, it’s not like the giant spaz is going to be able to keep any of it under wraps, so you’ll know soon enough. I give him…say three months before he does something really damning in public.”

“Katsuki’s already said he’s in love with Viktor. On national television.”

“Oh, I know. I didn’t mean to say that Viktor was the only spaz around. He’s in good company.” Ed smiles reminiscently. “We like Katsuki a lot, okay? Write that down.”

Elena dutifully writes that down. “Several people have already written articles about what a waste of time Katsuki is. Most of them are being mildly catty, but at least one has accused him of outright prostitution.”

“Catty is fine. Show me that last one,” Ed asks. She pulls it up on her phone. He reads it. It’s about what he expected. “End him,” he instructs firmly.

She gives him a ruthless smile. “Consider it done.”

Ed nods. “You know Phichit Chulanont?”

“Only peripherally,” Elena admits, frowning in disappointment at herself.

“He’s starting Seniors this year, and he was Yuuri’s roommate in Detroit.”

“Yuuri,” Elena repeats in delight.

“Shut up. My point is, Chulanont’s all over social media, and he’ll be very helpful in the destroying someone’s life department.”

“Good to know,” Elena murmurs, making new notes.

Ed’s fanclub is maybe not so much a fanclub as it is a giant group of scary, trolling co-conspirators that Ed’s vaguely in charge of. Ed bets they all have martial arts training. And some of them are possibly actual criminals.

…Okay, maybe Yakov’s not wrong to be worried.

Ed likes his fans, though, potentially dangerous though they may be. He picked up his first batch of them when he informed an interviewer that the key to Viktor’s success was his marketable face. It means his fans are the kind of people who like someone who would say that on TV. Ed’s kind of people, basically.

(He didn’t mean to drag Viktor’s skating. Viktor’s a one-in-a-million, stunningly good athlete and nobody can argue that, but that’s not what they asked, is it? They asked about the key to his success, like, financially. And if Viktor weren’t so pretty, he wouldn’t make so much advertising money, and that’s all there is to it. People kicked up a huge fuss about it, but not Viktor—he just thought it was funny. Because it’s true.)

Elena waves Ed off, preoccupied with ruining somebody’s life, and absently orders him to do his best or be murdered by the club president.

It’s nice to be respected.

* * *

Most of the people competing at Skate Canada are skaters Ed’s never met before, or, in the case of JJ, hoped never to meet again.

And then there’s Emil Nekola. Ed’s never actually met the guy, but he knows him by reputation and is inclined to like him. He’s just so…cheerful. While simultaneously choosing to skate harsh, brutal programs that could easily kill a lesser person.

Ed appreciates his style.

“Welcome to Seniors!” Emil says happily once they’ve finished their warmup and Ed’s introduced himself. “I’m pretty scared you’re going to murder me on the ice, but it’s still nice to see a new face.”

“Thanks.” Ed gives him an appreciative nod for the honesty. “I’m gonna do my absolute best to murder you on the ice, but it’s still nice to meet you.”

Emil laughs. Ed wonders if this is the kind of person who eventually snaps and goes all Tonya Harding on his competitors’ asses. It’s cool if he is, though. Ed could take him. He smiles back.

“Hey, so—you’re Viktor Nikiforov’s rinkmate, right?”

Ed nods warily, smile fading. He hadn’t pegged Emil as a rabid Viktor fan, but he’s been disappointed before (Katsudon).

“Ah. So…has he really retired, or has he lost his mind, or what exactly is going on there? And why is Katsuki going along with it? Because it always seemed like Katsuki had good sense, before.”

Oh, okay. He’s just here for the gossip. Ed respects that.

“Ha! No, see, Katsuki doesn’t talk much, and we all figured that was a sign of good sense and serious focus, but actually he’s just shy—and also a goddamn maniac. He and Viktor totally deserve each other. I have no idea what kind of wild shit they’ll get up to this year, but it’s gonna make me look tame. It’s gonna make Chris Giacometti look tame. You have any events with Katsudon?”

Emil blinks. “…Rostelecom?”

“Oh yeah? Me too. Well. Get your camera ready, that’s all I can say. Oh, and you wanted to know if Viktor’s lost his mind? You can’t lose something you never had. So no.”

Now Emil is beaming at Ed like he’s the best thing ever. Which is only right, frankly. Ed is the king of stupid Viktor gossip.

“I’m glad you’re not secretly in love with Viktor,” Ed informs him. “There’s way the fuck too much of that going around.”

Emil laughs. “No, no, not my flavor, thanks. Michele Crispino, now. Mm.”

Ed eyes him curiously. “Really?”

“Really.”

“…Michele Crispino? Like. Sara Crispino’s Michele Crispino?”

“Well said, and I see your point, but the heart wants what the heart wants. What about you, Yuri? Do you have your eye on anyone?”

Ed’s mind drifts to Winry, and the life he once thought he was going to have. Then he thinks about women he knows now, who are either too old for him, too sane for him, or prostitutes with no intention of settling into a monogamous relationship—and especially not with a hilariously virginal virgin like him. Finally he thinks of the men he knows, and manages to hastily cut off that line of thought before doing more than vaguely picturing Otabek’s face.

He scowls at Emil, who throws his hands up defensively with a laugh.

“Yuri Plisetsky,” bellows JJ, marching up behind them and thoroughly disrupting that conversation. For a moment Ed’s almost grateful, but then JJ starts talking again, and the moment is gone. “I hope you’re not tired after all the travel you’ve been doing this year!”

Ah, JJ. Always trying to charge onto the psychological battlefield without any weapons at all.

“Excuse me, I have to go drown myself in the nearest sink,” Ed hastily explains to a laughing Emil, and flees.

Al would call this behavior immature, but Ed has never in his life pretended to be mature, so he doesn’t see the problem.

* * *

Ed got a pretty good score on his short program. The best score he’s ever gotten in his life for a short program, if he wants to be technical about it, but he doesn’t, because that would be validating Viktor somehow. Ed privately decides to assign Lilia all the credit for it.

His fans went ballistic. There was actual fucking weeping going on. If Ed had known that all it took to make his fans cry and throw a hundred roses at him was to wear white and skate pretty, he’d have…avoided doing that for the rest of his life, actually. But it’s too late now.

This puts Ed two points behind JJ going into the free skate. He can’t fuck this up. He’s not losing to goddamn JJ. And…yeah, he wants to show off his free skate, too. Partly because he loves his free skate, but also because he feels the need to remind people that he’s scary after they saw the embarrassing emotional mess that is his short program.

Though he’s gotta say, as much as he loves his free skate—he’s not into the costume.

“I’d be basically naked,” he’d told Lilia back when she first showed him a sketch of the thing.

“Your body will be almost entirely covered,” she’d countered, bored.

Which was technically true. It’s even in the rules—no “excessive nudity.” And it’s not excessive nudity, technically. It’s just…

“Almost entirely covered—except for the big gaps over the parts of my body that I least want people to see, and definitely do not want to talk about.”

“You mean the scars?” She’d blinked at him, catlike. “Then lie about them.”

So there you go. That’s the kind of life advice Ed gets from the adults around him. He’s going to grow up so weird.

He got what she was after, though. The costume she’d sketched matched his program perfectly—it was the bedazzled version of something somebody who’d just crawled through hell might be wearing. It gave the vibe of being burnt and bled on and torn, but still functional. Even the scars fit the theme.

“Fine,” he’d snarled. And then, “But you have to make them put some skulls on it.”

And that’s how he’s ended up skating a routine basically naked (except for the tattoo. At least that’s still covered). The gaps have mesh in them, of course, but some of the scars are pretty gnarly and still show right through. The costume does at least have cool skulls and flames and stuff swirling around it, but even so, he would rather have his dick hanging out than this.

…Nope, that’s a goddamned lie, he just remembered about ice. Still though.

He knows he could’ve pushed back harder on the costume, and if he’d pushed back hard enough—if he’d freaked out hard enough—Lilia would’ve given in. She’s not here to break him.

She is here to test him, though, and he doesn’t want to let her down. That’s why he’s doing this incredibly stupid thing. Because he decided to play a game of chicken with Lilia Baranovskaya.

Al is never going to stop laughing at him.

* * *

Ed skates the most kickass skate of his entire career, even if he does do it half-naked, and he gets his all-time best score. (He darkly suspects this is partly because he’s half-naked. He knows what fucking perverts judges can be.)

He does all this, and he still loses to goddamn JJ Leroy.

He’s going to blow something up in Canada before he leaves. Nothing important, but something. To relieve his feelings.

* * *

“Are the scars your costume reveals real, or did you apply them with makeup to fit your theme?” a reporter asks him after the awards ceremony. It’s the first question he gets. It’s not about his kickass skate, or even about that one time he sort of accidentally attacked Leroy a little bit—it’s about his nudity.

Reporters. Christ.

Ed stares at the reporter and tries to imagine the kind of person who would spend ages painting fake fucking scars on just for the privilege of getting harassed about it by the media. Then he realizes this lady thinks he is that kind of person. He’s pretty sure he’s mortally offended, here.

“What can I say? Fights didn’t always go my way when I was a kid.”

There’s a moment of ringing silence, and then all the reporters start bellowing questions at once. Ed can’t make out a thing they’re saying, but he’s pretty sure he’s losing hearing. He sticks a finger in the ear closer to the reporters and grimaces, shooting a pleading look at Yakov, who just gives him the ferocious scowl of No, You Can’t Flee the Reporters Yet. Unsympathetic bastard.

“What happened to your leg?” one reporter manages to shout louder than the rest. The rest instantly go silent to hear the answer.

Ed shrugs, figuring what the hell. “I made a very bad deal to travel to this planet, and that’s why the leg is like that. Believe me, I regret it every day.”

The reporters go ballistic, and Yakov drags Ed away by his hair.

Ed doesn’t know what Yakov’s so upset about. The people deserve the truth.

* * *

<Otabek>
…You’re from another planet?
Actually, that makes sense.

<Ed>
the truth had to come out some time

<Otabek>
I enjoyed your dramatic free skate eyeshadow, by the way.

<Ed>
hahahahaha
go fuck yourself

<Otabek>
Congratulations, though, Ed.
JJ won’t have a hope by Worlds.

<Ed>
Thanks.
…
there may have been a small explosion in the meantime

<Otabek>
I’M TELLING MY MOTHER

<Ed>
Traitor!

* * *

<Viktor>
I can’t believe Lilia put you in that costume.

<Ed>
YOU talk to her then

* * *

<Yuuko>
That was a really cool way to handle those people asking you rude questions.
Much better than the time you said Viktor’s success was based on his face.
You’re improving! :D

<Ed>
we’ll make a real boy of me yet

* * *

<Mari>
Wow.
You made more of a mess of an interview than my brother ever has.
I didn’t think that was possible.
I’m impressed.

<Ed>
then I can die happy

<Mari>
You want me to punch anybody for you?

<Ed>
nah
I want the satisfaction of punching them myself
thanks, though

<Mari>
No prob.

* * *

<Beka’s Ma>
I am mailing you a sweater.

<Ed>
…okay
thanks
why?

< Beka’s Ma >
You will wear the sweater.

<Ed>
I’m confused

< Beka’s Ma >
WEAR THE SWEATER.

<Ed>
Yes, ma’am.

* * *

<Al>
Brother, call Grandpa.

<Ed>
No.

<Al>
Don’t make me come over there.

<Ed>
FINE

* * *

<Katsudon>
Are you okay?

<Ed>
do I seem not okay?

<Katsudon>
It just seemed like the reporters asked a lot of questions that you didn’t want to answer.
I know what it feels like when they do that to me.

<Ed>
yeah, well
I knew what I was signing up for
or what lilia was signing me up for, anyway

<Katsudon>
Ah.
I didn’t think you’d chosen that costume.
Except for the skulls, obviously.

<Ed>
nope.
except for the skulls, obviously
and now assholes think they know me
it’s great

<Katsudon>
So you’re not okay.

<Ed>
you and my brother should never meet.
I’ll be fine, katsudon
it’s stupid shit, not life-ruining shit
trust me when I say I know the difference

<Katsudon>
That doesn’t make me feel better at all.

<Ed>
I’m not here to make you feel better.
anyway, focus on your own shit, weirdo
have fun in china
try not to freak the fuck out
I know how you love doing that

<Katsudon>
I really don’t.

<Ed>
then don’t

<Katsudon>
That’s the least helpful advice anyone’s ever given me.

<Ed>
you’re welcome.
here’s more advice:
if you cry, make sure you cry all over viktor
then HE’LL freak out
it’ll be hilarious

<Katsudon>
…
…I’ll bear that in mind.

* * *

<Mila>
*laughs for half an hour*
*takes a deep breath*
*CONTINUES LAUGHING FOREVER*

<Ed>
you are a true friend.

* * *

“So…” Elena trails off, tapping her pencil against her clipboard. “What the hell was that.”

Like a fool, Ed agreed to meet Elena in a coffee shop after the competition was over. He wouldn’t have if he’d known how out of control everybody was gonna be about everything. He has to wear a hat and sunglasses everywhere now. Because he’s not safe from the mob unless he’s in disguise. Fucking unbelievable.

“Which part did you not like?” Ed asks, thoroughly exhausted from human interaction.

Elena leans forward, intent. “I loved every part. But that doesn’t change the basic what the hell of it all, Ed. Because what the HELL. The scars! The claiming to be an alien! That heartwarming short program—that terrifying free skate. It’s like I don’t know you at all!”

“Because you don’t,” Ed points out. “We’ve talked for like three hours total over the course of our whole relationship.”

Elena waves this extremely relevant point away. “I still ought to know basic facts about you, or what kind of fan am I? I feel like the club president has been holding out on us.”

That’s…yeah. That’s another point in the column for the president being somebody Ed knows personally. Somebody Ed knows who doesn’t want Ed to know they’re involved in the fanclub.

Fuck, it’s totally Sergei, isn’t it? “Do I have a bratva-managed fanclub?” Ed asks in despair.

Elena gives him a bright, happy smile and says nothing.

…Yakov had better never find out about this.

* * *

YURI’S ANGELS MONTHLY
The monthly newsletter for fans of Yuri “Edward” Plisetsky

Hello, Angels!

As you all know, it has been a VERY exciting month for Angels. I’m so happy to be bringing you exclusive details acquired by our brave Vice President, Elena, who managed to catch up with Ed at Skate Canada. Let’s review the highlights!


“We like Katsuki a lot, okay? Write that down.”

At long last, we are getting some tiny clue as to what the hell happened in Japan. And, contrary to all expectations, it sounds like Katsuki Yuuri did almost as good a job seducing Ed as he did seducing Viktor. Hats off to you, Katsuki! Where has all this sex appeal been hiding all these years? (I’m…actually really looking forward to watching him skate in China. Is that traitorous?)

Ed has now given us explicit instructions to be kind to and even to protect Katsuki. So the author of This Article? That’s right, Angels. DESTROY HIM.

Elena informs me that Phichit Chulanont will be a good resource for Destroying Katsuki’s Enemies purposes, and so we should all become friends with him. (We should anyway, honestly. Have you seen that boy’s Instagram? He’s a legend.)


“Don’t tell Viktor I like it. He’ll be so goddamn smug I’ll have to kill him.”

Ed’s short program. I think I speak for us all when I say, where the hell did that come from?

Yes, it’s a technically grueling program—no surprise there. Viktor Nikiforov choreographed it, and technical difficulty is an area Ed’s always excelled in. But where did this grace come from? This deep emotion? Ed skated a gorgeous, moving program, Angels! Did you see him? Did you?! I cried in public! It was like looking at the skating version of his relationship with his brother! (What does Alexei think of that program, anyway? Elena will do her best to find out!)

Now, I loved his old programs—we all did, that’s why we’re here, obviously. But this is a whole new side of him, one that takes his old strengths and builds on them, and I just.

We need to send Lilia Baranovskaya and Viktor Nikiforov flowers, Angels. Really nice flowers.


“It’s actually my favorite program so far. In my life.”

And that free skate.

…Wow.

We all knew Ed could be scary, Angels. We knew that, but we’d never seen him actually try to murder the ice before. Who knew his face could have expressions that frightening? I think the judges gave him extra points out of fear that he might kill them otherwise.

Technically speaking…not as stand-out as his short program. A few bobbles on jumps, and then at one point he got so enthusiastic about violence that he straight-up forgot which spin he was supposed to do, apparently, but this is definitely going to be a hell of a program by the end of the season.

Then, too, there is this to say about that program:


“Fuck, I might as well be naked out there.”

The costume.

That Costume.

Mme Baranovskaya, who we were all inclined to love in any case, for taking our boy under her formidable wing and making him graceful despite himself, has truly outdone herself by forcing him into That Costume.

As a fan, I’m torn. He clearly hates That Costume. On the other hand…well. Angels, you all know what the other hand is. Just remember he’s underage, and if we go too far our mysterious President will definitely murder us.

Still, I think we can all agree that Ed in That Costume is…special. You can tell he had a say in the pattern, at least, by the way it looks more like it belongs on a motorcycle than a person. (Demon skulls on fire? Really, Ed? How did he talk Mme Baranovskaya into that?) Dem Strategic Rips, though. And on the topic of things those strategic rips revealed…


“Fights didn’t always go my way when I was a kid.”

???

Elena interrogated him pretty thoroughly on the subject of his, well. Health and safety and bodily integrity. And he philosophized at her about the value of life and overcoming setbacks and otherwise said nothing helpful whatsoever. (Full text here. Read at your own risk, and only if you’re prepared to scream in worried frustration.)

Older fans inform me that this is not the first time he’s said things like this, either. So. Open season on panicking about Ed’s life, everyone!


“I made a very bad deal to travel to this planet, and that’s why the leg is like that.”

…And then there was the moment Ed confessed to being an alien. On international television.

We’re honestly not sure where to go with this, Angels. Is he trolling at a truly stunning level? Is he delusional? Is he…actually an alien? It’s Ed, so any one of these things might be possible! Or even a combination of them.

He refused to speak with Elena on the topic at all, which I think we can all agree is not sporting.


“Do I have a bratva-managed fanclub?”

And in conclusion, a word from our mysterious President:

“Yeah, he’s got scars. Everybody’s got scars. Just leave it be and don’t ask him about cage fighting.”

You heard the President, Angels! No asking Ed about cage fighting. Because cage fighting…is apparently a thing that Ed has done. And does not wish to discuss. Which is fair! I would not wish to discuss cage fighting either, if I’d ever done it.

Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

See you next month, Angels!

* * *

<Leo>
YOU KNOW SOMETHING.

<Yuri>
I know everything.
what’s your point?

<Leo>
What HAPPENED to Katsuki?
He was never like this before!
And Viktor!
And…NUDITY.
Guang Hong is still blushing and it’s been hours!

<Yuri>
hahahahahaha
WELCOME TO MY LIFE
they’ve been like this for months
I can’t tell if they’re a great influence on each other
or the WORST influence on each other
but they don’t give a fuck what we think
so, you know. LIVE WITH IT.

<Leo>
Should…should I be excited about Katsuki’s programs or scared?

<Yuri>
let me put it this way:
katsuki’s sp music is On Love: Eros
viktor based the choreography on a drunk-ass dance they did together
at the gpf banquet last year
right before katsuki started mostly-naked pole dancing with chris

<Leo>
…
So I should be excited AND scared
…and kind of turned on?

<Yuri>
sure, if that’s your thing

<Leo>
Don’t judge me bro I have seen you in the same room as Otabek Altin.

<Yuri>
WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

* * *

Mila is very excited for the Cup of China. Extremely excited. She’s probably never been this excited about a competition she’s not participating in. Because firstly: Sara Crispino.

Sara Crispino needs no further explanation. Sara Crispino.

And secondly: watching Viktor be a big gay disaster all over international television. Mila’s a big gay disaster herself, but had previously been under the impression that Viktor had some kind of chill. And then the GPF banquet happened and she found out she was dead wrong. It turns out that Viktor’s never had even the tiniest bit of chill, he’d just never been tempted before. And when he is tempted? He’s a big gay disaster of such epic proportions that he makes the rest of them look positively Zen by comparison.

So yes. Thank you Sara, God, and Yuuri Katsuki, this is going to be the best Cup of China the world has ever known.

She drags Katya along to watch it with her, because Katya does not realize just how epic this is going to be and needs guidance. And then Yuri comes to watch it with them. Yuri. Mila’s expectations were already sky-high, and now she’s getting Yuri commentary? She’s not sure she can handle this much perfection and no one’s even skated yet.

Yuri comes bearing food, too. Yuri basically always comes bearing food, which is just one more of his many charms. Sometimes it’s even homemade food. Also, he once taught Mila how to throw a larger opponent over her shoulder and onto the ground, which has already come in handy. If he weren’t so gone on Otabek, she’d be trying to set Katya up with him.

The Cup of China begins. The men’s short program is first, and the first skater is Phichit Chulanont, who Mila has never met. Well, it’s his first year in Seniors, so that makes sense. She likes the look of him. He’s cute and peppy and has a great program.

And that’s all she’d know, except that she’s sitting next to Yuri.

“Man, never fuck with that guy,” he declares as Phichit sits in the kiss and cry with his coach, looking sweet, cuddlable, and incredibly innocent. “Don’t fuck with his family, don’t fuck with his friends,” Yuri goes on, clearly impressed. “He will fuck you up.”

“…He looks like he wouldn’t harm a fly,” Katya puts in hesitantly.

“Maybe he wouldn’t,” Yuri concedes. “Physically. But you let that asshole loose on the internet? Shit happens.”

Mila learns so many interesting things from Yuri commentary. Almost none of them are about skating.

Next up is Ji Guang Hong, who Yuri also knows for reasons unclear to Mila. Maybe they just know each other from Juniors, but it’s usually weirder than that with Yuri. (His only comment, however, is, “Look at Leo mooning every time a camera catches him. Man, his crush on the guy is just sad.” As if Yuri has room to speak. As if they haven’t all seen him in the same room as Otabek Altin.)

And then there is Yuuri Katsuki.

Mila almost forgets to pay attention to Yuri’s mutterings, because since when is Katsuki sexy? In public, that is. He’s never been sexy in public before. God knows they’ve all seen him be sexy as hell in private, but Mila figured he was too shy to show off that side in public while sober. But wow. What has Viktor done to him?

And that’s a terrifyingly good score he gets, too.

“Hah!” says Yuri as Katsuki leans forward and squints in suspicion at the scoreboard. “He doesn’t even believe it! Typical Katsudon.” Viktor seizes Katsuki in a hug, and Yuri mutters, “They better be the fuck over that awkward handsy phase by Rostelecom, I swear to God.”

Mila has questions about that little aside, but doesn’t ask them because she’s too distracted by Georgi. Being just as Georgi as he can be. In front of everyone. Complete with actual tears.

“I think he broke up with that ice dancer he took all the kissy pictures with,” Mila muses. “And then she hooked up with someone else. Do you know about that, Yura?”

“Oh yeah,” Yuri says unhappily. “Her name’s Anya. And she’s competing in the Cup of China, how fucking awkward is that?”

Watch this, Mila mouths to Katya, then turns to Yuri and says, casually as she can manage, “How bad was the breakup, anyway?”

“Ugh,” Yuri groans. “Poor Anya. Poor me! I said, Anya, don’t make him cry. I said, Anya, we have to share a rink with the asshole. You know the drama we’ll come in for if he has a bad breakup. And she was like, you’re hilarious, come with me and watch this. So I did. And she was sweet like honey, okay? She was like, I’ve loved our time together, but I just think we have different goals in life—all this bullshit that’s meant to make people feel better, right? And he started ugly sobbing right there in the restaurant, clinging to her jacket like a baby. The waiter had to pry him off her and shove him out the door. He’s an embarrassment.”

“Wow,” says Katya, probably not for the reason Yuri imagines. Katya’s only been with Yakov’s group for a year, and Yuri’s spent most of that time in Japan or with Lilia, so this is her first real encounter with Yuri’s…Yuriness. Even the GPF banquet was just a hint at the whole picture.

“Then what happened?” Mila prompts shamelessly, determined to give Katya the full experience.

“Then we had Georgi crying all over the ice and making a spectacle of himself from that day on, you know that.”

“No, I mean what happened after Georgi got dragged away by the waitstaff?”

“Oh. Anya and I had dinner. Might as well, since we were there. Man, the waiter was scarred by it, though. He still texts me sometimes complaining. Why?”

Yuri is the most magical thing that’s ever happened to Mila, she’s sure. “Just curious,” she says, carefully not laughing.

“Uh huh.” He eyes her suspiciously, but then shrugs, letting it go. “I’m gonna go get more food before Leo’s up. You guys want anything?”

Mila and Katya place their orders—one does not simply turn down Yuri’s food—and wave him out. The instant he’s gone, Mila turns to Katya, who is staring back at her with wide eyes.

“He knows absolutely everyone, and he’s like this with everyone,” Mila explains. “He just goes around the world making people cry or punching them—and then fixing all their problems. No one has any idea what to make of him.”

“And yet he has fans…?” Katya asks.

“An army of fans. Maybe actually an army. He sends them forth to do his bidding sometimes, I am not even kidding. It gives us all nightmares.”

Katya seems impressed, but before she has time to comment, Yuri returns with snacks. Mila accepts her no doubt delicious snack, vaguely resenting the way Yuri seems to eat every hour on the hour without ever gaining fat. It’s probably because he more or less vibrates in place even when he’s holding still.

The next skater is the aforementioned Leo—the one with a crush on Ji Guang Hong. Apparently Yuri lived with him for a few weeks one of those times he ran away from Yakov. Which is hard to picture, because Leo seems very earnest and sincere, while Yuri is…Yuri. Interesting. Anyway, Leo has a good skate.

Last of all, there’s Chris, who is apparently mad about Katsuki infringing on his sexy territory, because he’s just…going all out today. Yikes.

Yuri knows Chris too, but that doesn’t mean anything. Everyone knows Chris. Yuri’s actually behind the curve on this one because he doesn’t know Chris biblically.

And that’s the men done. Very exciting it was, too. But tomorrow is going to have Sara Crispino, and there’s just no contest.

* * *

Sara never disappoints.

Mila is serious about almost everyone’s skate, watches nearly all of them with a competitive eye, but Sara Crispino is a pure delight and Mila can’t be expected to focus properly while watching her.

It’s a little strange to see her at a competition without Mickey, though—they’re such a double act. Mila mentions this to Yuri, who she chooses to believe already knows all the people involved.

It’s a safe bet.

“Did you know Emil Nekola actually has a thing for that guy?” Yuri demands incredulously. “What the hell.”

Mila understands Yuri’s point, of course, but personally, she appreciates Michele Crispino. He’s so aggressive about scaring men away from Sara that Sara barely has any shot at being a practicing heterosexual. He is, in short, doing half of Mila’s work for her. Bless him.

Sara gets a fantastic score because she is flawless. She’ll probably win the whole damn Cup of China because she’s flawless. Mila would almost not mind losing to Sara. Meanwhile she’s pretty sure she could crush everyone else under her heel. In a friendly, sportsmanlike way, of course.

Day three is the men’s free, with delightful Yuri commentary and Katya company as always. There aren’t too many surprises. There aren’t, that is to say, until Katsuki comes along.

Mila doesn’t know who to thank for the existence of Yuuri Katsuki, but she thanks them with all her heart.

* * *

It’s kind of a relief to go back to watching the guys, because Mila’s swooning over Sara Crispino is embarrassing. Like, Ed hopes she gets her girl and all that, but…does he really have to watch the whole cringeworthy process? Ugh. He wishes his friends would just get their love lives sorted out already.

Today Guang Hong is up first, because he fucks around at practice and isn’t living up to his potential, and yeah, he has a pretty good skate, but it could be better. Ed’s nice, though, so he doesn’t text Guang Hong and tell him as much. He texts Guang Hong’s coach instead.

After that is Chris, who is a fucking train wreck, but he’s a talented fucking train wreck. You have to give him that.

Then Phichit, who does great. Ed’s inclined to like Phichit anyway, just for being a better friend to Katsudon than Katsudon probably deserves, and it helps that the guy skates programs tailor made to endear him to everybody. He kicks ass with a happy smile. It’s cool.

Next is Leo, who’s not having his best day—and with Guang Hong right there watching, too! Yeah, Ed’s thinking no GPF for Leo this year. Which sucks, because Ed wanted him there. Well. Next year, anyway. Ed texts him encouraging things about how suffering makes you stronger.

Then there’s fucking Georgi, who really is the world’s biggest embarrassment, and the less said about him the better. Hey, but respect to the dick who decided to cut away from Georgi’s program in the middle to instead zoom in on Anya storming out of the building. That’s Ed’s kind of asshole. Mila and Katya are big fans, too.

And finally, there’s Katsudon. To the surprise of no one, he looks like he’s been crying.

That is to say, it doesn’t surprise Ed. It surprises Mila, who wants to know what’s wrong with the guy. As if Ed has time to get into that whole list today.

He gives the reader’s digest version, anyway. “It’s his first big competition with Viktor as his coach, he came out of the short program in first, and now the whole world’s waiting for him to fuck up. I’m impressed he’s not still crying.”

“Well, when you put it like that…” Mila concedes.

On the bright side, Viktor looks hilariously freaked out. And then Katsudon fakes him out with a snot rag and bops him on the head, and it’s possible Viktor’s never been so baffled. Fucking Katsudon, making it impossible not to like him.

Then Katsudon skates to the center of the rink and proceeds to be a complete maniac out there.

He is a little all over the place, sure, but it’s early in the season. And he’s being all over the place with his whole heart, in a way Ed’s never seen from Katsudon before. Apparently crying on Viktor drained him of all the fucks he had to give. This is goddamn amazing.

Asshole pulls a quad flip out of nowhere at the end of a free skate, holy shit.

Ed’s feeling all proud and happy and…whatever, honored that he gets to compete against a maniac like Katsudon or something. And then those positive feelings get totally derailed by goddamn Viktor.

Because Viktor just tackle-kissed Katsudon to the ice.

He tackle-kissed him. On the ice.

Mila’s screaming. Katya’s screaming. Ed is very concerned about Yuuri’s back. Seriously, he’s gonna have bruises. Like, Viktor couldn’t have grabbed him and pulled him off the ice for this kiss? At least he had the basic decency to protect Yuuri’s head, but fuck.

“Your stupid drama causes bruises, asshole,” Ed shouts at Viktor, who is thousands of miles away and definitely can’t hear him. Ed remembers that, and promptly texts the idiot the same thing.

Ed’s a big fan of bruising people when you’re mad at them or training them. If you’re bruising people when you’re trying to show you love them, that’s a huge fuck-up. Unless they’re into that. He’d be surprised to find out Katsudon was, though. Even if Katsudon is, currently, beaming up at Viktor like an idiot, clearly perfectly happy about being tackle-kissed.

Oh, God, Ed hopes he never finds out anything at all about Katsudon and Viktor’s sex life. What an awful thought. He immediately texts Al to complain about the entire last five minutes of his life.

Things had been so nice for a minute there. Katsudon had totally kicked ass and it was oddly satisfying. Leave it to Viktor to mess things up. Well…not mess them up, exactly. Ed’s all in favor of the losers being happy. He just wishes they could be happy without his having to worry about Katsudon’s back pain and possible kinks, for God’s sake.

On the bright side, this should move them out of the awkward handsy phase and into a more comfortable cuddly phase, which will theoretically make them bearable to be around. And in good time, too. Ed didn’t want to have to worry about their awkwardness all the way to Rostelecom.

In the midst of pondering this, he gets a text from Katsudon. He’s pretty sure this is the first time Katsudon’s ever texted him first. He’s just letting it all hang out today, huh?

<Katsudon>
So. I cried all over Viktor.

<Ed>
and…?

<Katsudon>
And it was HILARIOUS.

<Ed>
AHAHAHAHA
god bless, katsudon
you do such good work for the cause

<Katsudon>
Thanks.
…I think.

He thinks. Hah.

And with that, the men’s portion of the Cup of China is over, and all that’s left is Viktor stealing the spotlight and yammering about coaching while Katsudon stands shoved off to one side, the words why do I even love this asshole writ large across his face.

Ed thinks that reaching the point where Viktor annoys the shit out of you is an important stage in any relationship with Viktor. He’s proud of Katsudon for getting there so fast, given the whole hero worship thing he started out with. Give them a few more months, they may even be kind of functional.

Ed mentions all this to Mila and Katya. It’s only the truth, so he feels like the way they laugh about it until they can’t breathe is an overreaction.

He texts his theories on Viktor relationships to Katsudon, too. He likes to think of it as his way of showing support.


Chapter 4